This is MY Life!

I'm Done

2004-08-16T17:16:36Z

This is my last entry. All this thing has done is brought out the worst in me. I don't talk the way in person that I do on here. A lot of the time it made me sound like trash and that's not how I want people to protray me. Also there are a lotof rumors on here about me. Things said in my journal that aren't true. Then people read them and get the wrong idea. I try not to care what people think, but I honestly do and too much, but there's always time to change and you can always be a better person.This is the last one....all this is in the past and it is time to move on....you never know what lies in the future and there's no use dwelling on the past!! Peace!

volleygirl22 @ 2004-08-10T18:28:00

2004-08-10T23:05:33Z

I went to this CYA thing. It was a camp and it was AWESOME!! Everyone there was sooo amazing. I bonded with so many awesome people, and the worst thing was leaving them and comming back home. Everything there was perfect nothing could get me down and now it's like I'm vulnerable to getting hurt again. I don't know if I have a "Break My Heart" sign on my head or not, but it seems like I always go for the guys that will end up hurting me. Back to camp..It was like there were no other people in the world, it was everyone there and that's all that mattered. Nothing else. I mean I got away from EVERYTHING. I forgot about the guys that I was confused about I just got away from everything. The people there it's like you knew they wouldn't judge you, you knew that you could go up to someone and spark up a conversation and it didn't matter who it was. But that's not how reality is. You get judged on who you talk to you have all those stereotypes, and I always say I don't care what people think of me, but deep down I do. I don't want to though I want to be able to go over to someone who is alone and talk to them and not feel like I am gonna get looked down on or teased about it. The camp changed me for the better. I believe in God and the power that he has. I know that in the end everything will be okay, because God is there for me. But it's soooo hard to keep those beliefs in society today. The thing is I met this guy there and he was AMAZING, the last slow dance song at the dance I had with him and he was sooo caring. It was just a lil CYA crush, but it's like he has all the qualities that I will look for in the guy that I marry. I'm not sayin it's him at all or anything, he just has those characteristics. All these people there we all had something in common and that was God. It's like I felt his power there and I wanna go back. The camp is WAY to short, I mean I missed everyone back here don't get me wrong at all. It's just it was a change and it was a good change. It's like you have no worries, you don't get down. You get absolutely no sleep at all, but that doesn't matter because you LOVE seeing the people you are there with. I mean everyone was filled with so much love and care and we were all there for each other. It was a short period of time, but we all got SOOO close, no one would believe it unless you experience it. The last day I cried and cried and cried, I never stopped. I got a ped buddy! I've never had one of those LOL! It was great. I just hope that everyone goes back home and continues to do well, eventhough I know that some may not. I will keep them in my prayers. I'm not a totally changed person I have just accepted God into my life for good.

Candy and Suzie I miss you guys soooo much! We need to get together as soon as possible. I LOVE YA GUYS!!!

Amanda we are gonna see The Notebook, I promise!!! :-D

The one thing this camp taught me was to not have burned bridges and I'm gonna try to repair as many of the ones that I have thaty I can. It's not easy, but I did one last night. Denelle and I hadn't talked in sOO long, becasue I had done some HORRIBLE stuff to her, when she was only the greatest friend to me. You have no idea how it feels to know that people are so forgiving and except other's faults. Thank you Denelle and I hope that we can have a good frienship again! I truly did miss you!!

There are a couple more that I have to work on and I'm not perfect and some of them may not be repaired, but at least now I can't say I never tried!

YAY!

2004-07-28T04:45:45Z

Man running in the rain is AMAZING!! If you haven't tried it I suggest you do :-D It's crazy how you can go into a run pissed off and come out sooo happy! It's fantastic.
This summer started out sooo boring, but it has defenitly officialy started! Being young is weird sometimes, because you will think one thing then like a day later you will think the total opposite.....or maybe that's just me?!?! Oh well, how come there is drama in the summer, we are supposed to have fun! That's exactly what's gonna happen, fun fun fun! I am in one of the best moods right now, why I couldn't tell ya! Who would've thought that one situation that wasn't a big deal could make you realize sooo many different things. I broke down then I said what the hell are you doing Beth, you are better than this, so I stopped! I astonished myself tonight, sorry I sound like I am sooo full of myself, and actually right now I am! Cuz it seems like I usually realize mistakes and things but don't fix them, but now I am ready to change, let's hope. Man I don't know what to write there is just so much, this is GREAT!!

volleygirl22 @ 2004-06-22T00:41:00

2004-06-22T05:27:22Z

We are all young and havn't even fully live life. How come we are all fallin in love? It doesn't mae sense, you find someone who you would love to spend te rest of your life with, but you know that it probably won't come true. So how many times can you fall in love? Or can you fall in love multiple times, but you only have one true love, the person you marry? With love there come so many emotions, so many feelings you don't understnd. Even when you try to let go, it doesn't work, you can't get them off of your mind. It's like you become somewhat protective over them even when things get broken off. People say tey fall in and out of love, but truthfully I don't think you can. Yeah you can fall in love, but I don't think you can fall out of it. Those people who say they do it almost seems like they are all talk. Yeah someone can talk and talk bout lovin someone, but the real test is when they are with you in front of other people. If someone loves another then they act the way when there are people around and when there aren't people around. Love is somethin that isn't good to mess with and when you fall in love, you don't get over that person easily or anything. It's like thinin of them talkin or hangin out with someone else hurts like hell.Yeah you may not be with him anymore, but that doesn't mean that the feelings are gone. Not knowin how they feel about you or someone else is hard.You know you can't have them for yourself anymore, but that's what you still want and still dream you will have it again. There's a lot of fish in the sea, and we are young so why not explore. But how can you explore when you only have one person on your mind? The thing is when the other person has more than you on their mind it makes you think that they are over you and it seems like so many things have changed.
I don't understand anything. I heard some things today that I wasn't supposed to and yeah it pissed me off but it didn't matter, I still wanted him. I wish I could get some straight answers,but there's only one person who can give them to me and the thing that makes it rough, is that I don't want all those questions to come out wrong. I sure don't wanna be nosey, because people always say if you're not with him then he's free to do whatever he wants and you don't have reason to get mad over it.I know what I want answered and it would make it all easier on what I want or what's gonna happen in the end. I know you never know what will happen in the future, but there are things that can help. There's so much that I don't know, and yeah a lot of people will say I'm trippin and maybe I am, but what can I do? I need the truth and the truth hurts. Sometimes when you ask for the truth and you get an answer that doesn't hurt, you think that maybe it's just sweet talk. Sweet talk always makes you feel soo good, and sometimes that's better, but then when someone gets caught up and the truth comes out it hurts that other person even more because they were lied to. It's easier to just tell the truth and get it over with. Why make someone live with not knowin the truth even if you are trying to protect them? Personally I would rather be told the truth than protected and lied to. If someone deosn't know if they can keep a promise or not make one. If you know for a fact that in the future things will be the same, then yeah make that promise. If you don't know and it's just somethin you want ten don't promise, because chances are the other person will trust that you will keep your promise and when you don't that person never know whether or not to trust the next promise. Who knows when peoples feelings change or when they get stronger ones for someone else. It's all a mystery, and one that can make one lose sleep if they think about it long enough. Love is pain and pain is love.

volleygirl22 @ 2004-06-17T00:26:00

2004-06-17T04:25:45Z

I don't know if I really wanna wrtie in this or not, but I think I'm going to anyway. It's summer, but it doesn't seem like it. Sleeping a lotis nice, but that's the last thing on my mind.
I don't know what to think about anything anymore. I used to think that I had a lot of things under control, but I don't. It's mainly with me personally. I thought I could control the way I feel about hings, but I don't anymore. I know the way I feel, but how to control it is another story I guess. How do you know when to be open about stuff and when to hold things in? I told myself this year that I will be opena dn have no regrets. Wow could I ever be sooo wrong? It seems like you can't be open about everything. You have to take each issue at a time and decide whether or not it is an issue to poor out how you feel. Sometimes you can't get everything you want. It seems like there will always be questions and many of them will go unanswered. It's a fact of life. Life is a confusing things eventhough we live it everyday. Sometimes there are things that mean a lot to you and sometimes they are objects, sometimes they are people. No matter what don't stop caring until you want to stop. Yeah sometimes people will tell you to stop, but who cares? Are they you? Do they truly know how you feel inside? No, only you do, all they know is what you tell them and sometimes there are things that you can't describe. There's so much I have learned this year and most of it I can't write down. It's stuff inside that I will keep forever. Some things will go your way and some may not. There are people that you can help and there are people that can help you. Always listen to people even if you don't think they can help because in the end chances are you will learn something. Never back down from something you want, don't be mean about it, but take your stand and keep it. Never let people walk all over you, the list can go on. Half the things I learned this year are from experience, the other half from seeing it happen. Life's something that you got lucky to have, don't waste it. Yeah it may flat out suck sometimes, but just think there are so many people that love seeing you live it!

:-D

2004-05-29T04:15:40Z

It's crazy how your feelings about one thing can change almost overnight.Yesterday I guess I was goin on somethin with out talkin to the person. So basically I assumed without talking and yeah that's not good. Today I have totally different feelings about the whole thing. It's weird cuz not much happend today, but today was really good. I think it's cuz the last thing that I did tonight was see my baby! So right now everything is doing great. Friends are good the boyfriend is good. There's not much else to write about and I am tired as heck. So I'm off to bed! Good Night!

volleygirl22 @ 2004-05-27T20:57:00

2004-05-28T01:05:29Z

I can't stand it when there is someone that you don't want to let go of, but you think they want to. It gets to a point where they can't do anything what do you do? Do you cut it off and say screw it, or do you try to get through it together? What do you do when the only place you will be able to talk to them is at school and not outside of it. Do you just call it rough times in the realtionship or say it's over. When you heard that he said to a friend, "I think I'm gonna have to cut it off." It makes matters worse almost and it's like you don't wanna lose them at all. I guess I will just have to talk to him about it and see what he thinks. I think I know what he will say and I won't like it, but that's life. You can't have everything you want. I might just be trippin, but for some reason I don't think I am, I think that tomorrow it will be real. I won't just be thinkin about it in my head. In high school can you have a relationship that is only in school? I want it to work so bad. There were sooo many times before that I was gonna give up and I didn't. I stayed in it, but now I think the tables have turned and I don't wanna give up anymore, but he does. I'm not sayin that's how it is at all, that's just my instinct and those are wrong a lot, so I guess time will tell. I hope the outcome isn't what I think, but if it is I guess I just have to move on. If things don't work out.... that's a different story. I guess we just figure it out, but I want it to be together not just something that says this is my decision and that's final. Who knows, no one, no one ever knows!

volleygirl22 @ 2004-05-22T21:53:00

2004-05-23T02:22:39Z

Man, it's defenitly been awhile. There hasn't been that much BS until recently, which was kinda suprising cuz
I thought there would always be some type, but anyways.. Rumors are soooo gay and I think the people who believe them are even gayer. Eventhough a lot of them were my "friends", but hey it's all good. Those things spread like mad crazy, but since they are RUMORS and not true there's no point in stressin (eventhough I do sometimes and I don't like doing that at all). I'm finally done with Driver's Trainning, which is a big relief cuz that junk was boring. On to the important stuff.....

I don't think I could be happier nowadays, cuz I have the best boyfriend, Lee!! We are doing great and nothin can change that. Yeah I know there are a lot of people who don't want us to be together for one reason or another, but that doesn't matter. We always have fun together even if we are just at school. It's the greatest thing ever! We have been together for what will be a month tomorrow, but it seems like I've known him forever eventhough it has only been what 3 months at most. It doesn't matter how long I've known you just know that I LOVE YOU!!!

HMMMMM....

2004-05-04T02:22:17Z

Hmmmmm.... well first off I just wanna say that school is..well..ummm GAY! Yeah, but on to more important topics. It seems like nowadays it can be sooo hard to hold onto a good friendship. I guess if the friendship is good, then you shouldn't have to hold on cuz there's nothing to worry about. Sometimes it seems like you will drift from someone, then the next day you are close as heck. Yeah it sounds werid, but I've noticed it a lot recently and it's like I'm glad that I know that they are always there, but it seems strang that there's a "drift" period. I wonder if it's just me, if it is really happening, or if something went wrong. Lots of times I just assume the worst when there is nothing wrong and someone is just having a bad day. Assuming the worst is always bad and it stresses people out, but it seems like soo many people do it. WHY?!?! I'm not too sure, but it happens all the time. It seems like it could be helped, but how. I guess no one knows. This seems kinda random and everything, but it's one of those on your mind things, ya know? I would write more, but at this moment I can't

volleygirl22 @ 2004-05-01T23:29:00

2004-05-02T04:28:35Z

Do you ever think about how the world would be if everyone only loved one person. When you found the person you were meant to be with that person you loved there would be some kind of sign whether it was written out or just in the air. Yeah, it sounds weird, but it just came to me.

Do you ever wish that you could tell the person you love that you love them everyday. That you miss them when you aren't around them. That you wish you could stay in their arms forever and hold their hand for all eternity. Do you ever wish that you could help them make the right decisions everyday and when they are down you could be by their side in a flash. That no matter what happens you will always love them. That you will never hurt them and you know they will never hurt you. Well sometimes I think about those things and some of them seem a bit weird for some reason, but oh well.

volleygirl22 @ 2004-04-29T21:51:00

2004-04-30T02:06:19Z

I just learned a valuable lesson just a little bit ago. That would be that no matter how mean a person is to you and how rude they are to you always let them have the time of day to try to explain themselves. There is a good person in everyone, just sometimes it takes people longer for that to come up. No matter what always let someone explain themselves, cuz chances are they are nice people.

volleygirl22 @ 2004-04-29T16:33:00

2004-04-29T21:08:21Z

Wow (lol), there hasn't been much goin on lately. Well actually there has, but I'm not gonna start stressin about it so it's no biggie. The past week or so has been really good. There hasn't been a lot to get me down, I guess I can say. But all I gotta say is that I hope people mean what they say when they say stuff. Like if they say somethin I don't want them lyin about it, cuz it's stupid, just "Mean what you say and say what you mean!" I've found that there are so many people out there that actually care and that you can actually trust. Sometimes they have been there all the time, but you just didn't realize it.

Lee and I have been doin really well. I couldn't ask for anyone else. We have so much fun together, no matter what. He always makes me smile and I'm always happy when I'm around him. I dunno what I would do without him, it's great! I dunno what I did to deserve him, I guess I just got lucky I dunno.

Amanda I'm glad we have gotten really close. I wish there were some things that didn't happen, but I guess there's not much you or anyone can do right now. You have been sooo awesome! I hope you continue doing well, and just keep your head up! You always seem to know what to do and you always make good decisions. Just have confidence in everything ya do!!

I've found out what I can and cannot tell my one friend that I was having trust problems with. I guess it's just a live and learn situation. The other day I told her don't tell anyone and she said, "Is it something that I will be able to keep to myself." Yeah, kinda weird, but now I know that there are some things that I just need to and have to keep to myself. It will be kinda different, but I'll get used to it! Well that's all for today, I'll talk to ya'll lata!

volleygirl22 @ 2004-04-25T10:26:00

2004-04-25T15:58:11Z

How many chances should one person get? They are supposed to be your best friend, but when you tell them something and say don't tell anyone and they say they won't and they do. What the hell is that? How many times do you get betrayed like that? I tell her EVERYTHING, she knows soo much about me and the things I do, but now do I have to stop. Can I not tell her anything anymore? The things aren't a big deal, but when I don't want people knowing who can I tell and it's the whole principle of the matter. Yeah, I have brothers and stuff so I guess I'm just gonna have to stick with them. It hurts to know that your "best friend" has betrayed you time and time again. You want to teach them a lesson, but when people tell me stuff I don't go blab it there is no point. So I guess they will have to learn from someone else and hoprfully they do. I dunno, it's just trust is a big deal in any relationsip and when it's lost or broken or betrayed, so you just drift from the person or what? Cuz when you quit telling people something they get the drift and then you guys start to go in seperate directions and I really don't want that to happen. It's somethin to think about and it's kinda hard, but that's what I gotta do. I could talk to her about it and I have in the past and she DENIEDS it! That pisses me off, so I know I can't talk to her about it, so that makes it even harder. I dunno it's sooo just retarded. I dunno, but I think that's all for right now there's not much else goin on.

WOW!

2004-04-24T22:31:39Z

This past week has been kinda crazy. It's weird how stuff works out or how stuff happens or why it even happens. There is a lot going on that's not explainable so I don't think I can even write about it. I'm gonna be there for all of my friends through thick and thin whether I have talked to them in a month or not it doesn't matter. Friends are supposed to be there for each other no matter what and I think that's how it should be.

Yeah, I now officially have a boyfriend, Lee! I know there will be people who won't want us together and who don't wanna hear about us or see us together, but oh well. There will always be people out there that don't agree with what you do and what not. I dunno there's not much you can really do about it, except not let it bother you. There are questions about the realtionship are hard because they are ones like, how long will it last, will you get hurt, will there be rumors going around about it. Some of those are ones that you really shouldn't worry about, but they are always in the back of your head. The thing I love about this relationship is that there is TRUST!!! That's key and it's there and it has reason to be there because we are both trustworthy people! There's not much else that can be said about anything so I will talk to all of you later!

Sometimes....

2004-04-21T01:07:37Z

We are back in school now, but that's not always too good. At least you are around friends and get to see people. Things were goin great, but now it's almost like everything is different, maybe not everything, but somethings. I just have to say friends are AMAZING!! I dunno, I can't explain it cuz it's weird. Like some people are kinda actin a little different and in a way it's scaring me, but I'm sure I probly don't need to stress about it. I just need to go talk to them. I think it's about that time for me to sit down and think about everything, cuz there are so many things that are kind of...umm... confusing I guess. Yeah and none of it is anything that I reall wanna talk about or anything. It's confusing I guess you could say. Yeah there's not much else that needs to be said, so I'll catch ya lata!

HAPPY!

2004-04-15T22:21:30Z

Today was a beautiful day in Missouri! Not much has happend lately! Susan made a crown out of dandelions today! LOL! She's awesome. Anyways I didn't know being away from people back home would be so hard. I dunno it's kinda tough not seeing people and not knowing what exactly is going on. Yeah I know I don't have anything to worry about, but still not knowing is hard, but I will be home tomorrow evening! Missouri has been sooo much fun though, I mean who would've thought that you could still have fun at the Zoo!! Not me, but Suzie and I had a BLAST!

I think you could say that I'm comin out of my "shell". I'm ready to do things that I wanna do and not hold back because I don't know what's gonna happen. Life is too short and there are too many things to do to hold back from. Yeah before I would always hold back, cuz I was scared of what someone would think or who would find out or what would so and so say. But I'm not gonna hold back because all that comes with holding back is the feeling of regret.

Today is a good day, because I think I'm going to start a friendship over that was almost lost this year. I couldn't be happier right now. She's a true friend and I care about her soo much. Starting over a friendship means soo much and shows a lot about that person!

volleygirl22 @ 2004-04-13T00:41:00

2004-04-13T06:18:13Z

Well, Spring Break has been goin really well. I miss everyone back home. I'm glad I got away from Flint and hopefully things will get better. There are a few things that have hapend in the past week that could bring me down or whatever, but I'm not gonna trip over them. Yeah, I worry WAY too much sometimes and all it does is stress me out and there's no point in stressin, cuz it really gets you no where. I always say I don't care what people think, cuz I really don't people can call me a bitch, slut, whore, backstabber, whatever, but I guess that as long as I know I'm not it's all good. Cuz the chances of you changing someone's opinion about you are slim, i mean it's always good to try, but it won't always work.

I told someone today that i don't want them to get into my biz and they were like why are you handlin it like a pimp. I was like what the heck, cuz I'm sorry but my relationships are my business no one elses. People knowing about what happens or where the status of the relationship is or whatever only leads to rumors. As long as the person and I in the relationship know how we feel about each other it's all good. We are in a relationship together not us and other people. The relationship I'm in right now is AMAZING! We get along so well and always have fun together. I feel so comfortable around him and we are soo tight, I don't think anything could ruin us. Our communication is so great and I dunno no words can describe it, I guess. Lee, thanks a lot, just for everything!

The word love has been in my mind a lot lately. I kinda think it gets thrown around too freely almost. I believe the saying that you can only love once in your lifetime. That one love will be your true love, the one you marry. Yeah a lot of people have different opinions about it and that's mine. I've never come close to truely loving any guy. Like what does it feel like, how do you know it's love. It seems like love is such a happy thing and I'm only 15, so I guess I have awhile until I experience it. The thing is how do you know when it's there, like is there a certain feeling or is it just one of those things that you just know. So many of my friends say,"I'm in love" or "I love him soo much, I'm gonna marry him", but I don't understand how you could know something like that when you are only a Freshman in High School? Maybe yo can, but how do you know. There are so many questions about one word. I question myself about it all the time, cuz how will I know when I'm really IN LOVE? I wanna be in love to know what it feels like, but then I think I'm too young and I can't force something that precious, I guess is the word. Right now in my life I don't think there is any guy I could say I'm in love with, cuz I don't even know what it is, but that's life for ya. Just live it day by day, but make the best out of every one!

Thoughts

2004-04-10T23:44:27Z

Well I'm finally got to Missouri! ON the way it was cool because I got a lot of thinking done. I realized a lot about myself that I didn't before. That is all thanks to Usher, because it was while I was listing to him that I realized all this stuff. First off I realized that in relationships I tend to hold back because I'm scared of getting hurt and it's sooo selfish of me, so now I can try and put more into relationships, becaue I know what the problem is. Also that I need to speak my mind more because I hold back feelings and don't tell people how I really feel sometimes. I really don't know why I don't speak my mind I guess it's because I don't know what people will say to what I have to say. But now who cares, who cares what people think of you, cuz everyone will have their own opinion of you and sometimes you can't change that, but as long as you know who you are I guess it's all good. I'm really scared of losin someone that I care about sooo much right now. Yeah people have stuff to say about us being together, but I know that won't split us apart. I guess not seeing him for a week I get scared about it. Even thinkin of losin him makes me cry, but I'm scared to lay all my feelings about it on the table. I will soon, just gove me time and if you wanna talk about it let me know. Right now I'm with my family and best friend (soon to be sister-in-law) so I'm gonna go and enjoy their company.

Spring Break!

2004-04-08T21:32:14Z

YAY! Spring Break has officially started! I'm gonna be on my way to Missouri with my girl Suzie. This week was short but seemed like it lasted for ever! It was so awesome because today I saw all my friends that had gone on the band trip. It was nice cuz I missed them all. Things have been going pretty well lately, there are a few things that could ruin my mood, but I don't let them bother me anymore. Wow, this is really short, but I gotta be on my way. I'll miss all of you!!!! Love Ya!

volleygirl22 @ 2004-04-06T19:53:00

2004-04-07T00:18:03Z

Hmmm, well today wasn't the best, but oh well. The thing is I can't believe how many rumors get around our school in one day. It kinda gets confusing after you try and think about it and figure out who is tellin the truth so i say screw it. I still don't understand what the point in making stuff up and lying about things is. I'm not sayin I've NEVER lied or anything, but I dunno. Some of my friends are beginning to confuse me again, cuz it seems like they are mad one minute then fine the next and it's kinda weird. It just seems like if they were mad at me or somethin they would say somethin to me, but I can also say somethin to them to I guess it just depends on what happens first. I just hope things go well over Spring Break, because it seems like whenever I leave home something bad happens here and I come back to this huge mess. It seems like things have been going pretty well, so hopefully Spring Break will too. Two more days and I am outta Flint!! I just have to worry about school until then and that's fun!! Not! One more thing to worry about my brother....

Tired

2004-04-05T22:06:33Z

This week needs to get over with quickly! It's only Monday and it seems like it should be Thursday. Lately has been very tiring and I'm not too sure why. Oh well. One thing I've noticed about myself lately (I know it's always been there, but I've been thinking about it a lot more lately) is that I'm stubborn. Yeah I guess I always knew I was, but with somethings maybe I am a little too stubborn. Being stubborn is good sometimes, but I'm starting to wonder whether the type of my stubborness is bad or not. Yeah, before people have told me I was stubborn and I really didn't think I was, but now I'm glad I do, cuz maybe I'll be able to change it some how or somethin I'm not too sure. Friends some of them are still confusing me. Cuz it seems like there is one that I am losing but I never did anything to her, so I dunno maybe she's just been mad lately or somethin, not too sure. I wanna say somethin to her, but I think I might wait until after Spring Break. There's just been a lot on my mind and some of it I like to keep to myself, cuz it's probly nonsense, but oh well. The weather outside is getting nice, I guess that's a plus. That's all for now. One last thing, why are guys so confusing?

volleygirl22 @ 2004-04-04T18:02:00

2004-04-04T22:08:42Z

This weekend was pretty good, it's been kinda long, but good. Now much happend, but I got to hang out with my girls which I hadn't done in a long time. To laugh with them and be happy and talk and everything it was just a blast! I think this coming week is gonna be kinda long cuz I want SB to come right now!! I'm sooo sick of school it's rediculous, but just four more days. The thing that has been bugging me lately is the word TRUST. Who can I trust anymore? Who won't turn there back on me? When will I know I have someone's trust back? When I think I trust people it seems like they always do me wrong or something bad happens. I just want my friends to be straight with me and not lie about things and they say they will, but that rarely ever happens. I try my hardest not to betray anyone, but if I have betrayed you in anyway, I'm sorry. Okay, putting our clocks forward umm definitly wasn't fun, cuz that means everyone lost an hour of sleep, but oh well I'll get over that. I think that's all for now.

Feelin' Good

2004-04-02T00:26:02Z

April Fool's Day!! Not my favorite holiday in the world, maybe because I fall for everything, but it's all good. I got fooled twice! It could've been worse, but the jokes were funny.Earlier this year I was losin some friends that I had been close to for YEARS.Through the elementary years it was always Denelle, Emily, and I best friends for life, but that definitly changed this year and so fast too, it was crazy. Now it's like I'm talking to them more and I know we will never be like old times, but just to know that I can still talk to them and that we can have fun together feels good. I think I'm getting a friend back that has been a true friend for the past three years, which is ever since I had met her. I had never really lost her but it was VERY close, too close. We talked about everything and I know she's there for me no matter what and I'm here for her to. Amanda I dunno what I would do without you!All my friends you are all amazing and help me get through my days. Lee, I think is the first guy that I have gotten this close to in a long time. It feels good to care about someone like that and know that there is one more person out there that you can trust. Spring Break is getting closer by the day and I CANNOT wait!!! Thanks again to everyone that has been there for me when I haven't been the best person and to help me realize what I'm doing when I don't. I'm so thankful for you all. I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!

Who Knows

2004-03-31T01:10:39Z

The past few days have been wonderful. I know the nest two weeks will be kinda hard, but I'll be able to get through them. Eventhough the person who is the "highlight" of my life right now won't be here. These past few days have been different. My parents decided to start and be open with me and to tell ya the truth i didn't like it at all. Probly cuz they didn't say what I wanted to hear and I was being stubborn, but hey that's life. I guess I will just take that stuff as it comes. It's still kind of confusing me on who I can truely trust, but I guess I'll find out sommer or later. There isn't really a lot going on, except I'm supposed to be grounded, but oh well. What exactly is jealousy, I mean too people get too jealous sometimes or is it something that is normal?

One Step At A Time

2004-03-28T08:55:09Z

Wow, it's kinda late, but when you can't sleep, I guess you can write. This is my first time putting up a little journal thingy, but I think it will help. There has kinda been a lot goin on in my life. I found this guy who makes me happy whenever I'm around him and we connect so well. It's kinda crazy how tight we are, but I wouldn't want anything to change. There are a lot of people who I think would rather us not communicate at all, but oh well I guess. Lately it seems like there's almost no one I can trust, like everyone I trust with some of my deepest secrets go and tell someone else. My best friend did it to me a little while back and it just makes me wonder who I can trust sometimes. Things with friends are good right now and so it the whole guy situation. I wish I didn't have this guilty conscience every once and awhile that I got him in the wrong way or whatever, but I guess that's just the way life goes, live and learn. So much stuff is going on at one time. I have stuff at school, and then I go to my brother's dorm and see cigarette butts all over the place when he promised me he would quit. He doesn't know how much it bothers me, but it's like my brother lied to me he never does, but I guess smoking is too hard to give up for him, but I dunno. Right now I just really don't know what to think of anything. I guess I'm stubborn too and maybe other people see that, but I wish I sure could.I guess you just have to take everything one step at a time. I didn't know High School was gonna be so much like the way it is. You meet soo many new people, but at the same time you may lose a lot too. I guess the key thing to do is communicate with each other when things are starting to fall apart and starting to get rocky.I think I finally found a friend who will let me know when I'm doing something wrong and will help me through it and give me adive. She's been there for a long time, but I guess I never really saw the FULL effect of our friendship until now. Thanks cuz you talking to me meant A LOT!