This is MY Life!Monday, August 16, 20041:11PM - I'm DoneThis is my last entry. All this thing has done is brought out the worst in me. I don't talk the way in person that I do on here. A lot of the time it made me sound like trash and that's not how I want people to protray me. Also there are a lotof rumors on here about me. Things said in my journal that aren't true. Then people read them and get the wrong idea. I try not to care what people think, but I honestly do and too much, but there's always time to change and you can always be a better person.This is the last one....all this is in the past and it is time to move on....you never know what lies in the future and there's no use dwelling on the past!! Peace! Tuesday, August 10, 20046:28PMI went to this CYA thing. It was a camp and it was AWESOME!! Everyone there was sooo amazing. I bonded with so many awesome people, and the worst thing was leaving them and comming back home. Everything there was perfect nothing could get me down and now it's like I'm vulnerable to getting hurt again. I don't know if I have a "Break My Heart" sign on my head or not, but it seems like I always go for the guys that will end up hurting me. Back to camp..It was like there were no other people in the world, it was everyone there and that's all that mattered. Nothing else. I mean I got away from EVERYTHING. I forgot about the guys that I was confused about I just got away from everything. The people there it's like you knew they wouldn't judge you, you knew that you could go up to someone and spark up a conversation and it didn't matter who it was. But that's not how reality is. You get judged on who you talk to you have all those stereotypes, and I always say I don't care what people think of me, but deep down I do. I don't want to though I want to be able to go over to someone who is alone and talk to them and not feel like I am gonna get looked down on or teased about it. The camp changed me for the better. I believe in God and the power that he has. I know that in the end everything will be okay, because God is there for me. But it's soooo hard to keep those beliefs in society today. The thing is I met this guy there and he was AMAZING, the last slow dance song at the dance I had with him and he was sooo caring. It was just a lil CYA crush, but it's like he has all the qualities that I will look for in the guy that I marry. I'm not sayin it's him at all or anything, he just has those characteristics. All these people there we all had something in common and that was God. It's like I felt his power there and I wanna go back. The camp is WAY to short, I mean I missed everyone back here don't get me wrong at all. It's just it was a change and it was a good change. It's like you have no worries, you don't get down. You get absolutely no sleep at all, but that doesn't matter because you LOVE seeing the people you are there with. I mean everyone was filled with so much love and care and we were all there for each other. It was a short period of time, but we all got SOOO close, no one would believe it unless you experience it. The last day I cried and cried and cried, I never stopped. I got a ped buddy! I've never had one of those LOL! It was great. I just hope that everyone goes back home and continues to do well, eventhough I know that some may not. I will keep them in my prayers. I'm not a totally changed person I have just accepted God into my life for good. Wednesday, July 28, 200412:24AM - YAY!Man running in the rain is AMAZING!! If you haven't tried it I suggest you do :-D It's crazy how you can go into a run pissed off and come out sooo happy! It's fantastic. Tuesday, June 22, 200412:41AMWe are all young and havn't even fully live life. How come we are all fallin in love? It doesn't mae sense, you find someone who you would love to spend te rest of your life with, but you know that it probably won't come true. So how many times can you fall in love? Or can you fall in love multiple times, but you only have one true love, the person you marry? With love there come so many emotions, so many feelings you don't understnd. Even when you try to let go, it doesn't work, you can't get them off of your mind. It's like you become somewhat protective over them even when things get broken off. People say tey fall in and out of love, but truthfully I don't think you can. Yeah you can fall in love, but I don't think you can fall out of it. Those people who say they do it almost seems like they are all talk. Yeah someone can talk and talk bout lovin someone, but the real test is when they are with you in front of other people. If someone loves another then they act the way when there are people around and when there aren't people around. Love is somethin that isn't good to mess with and when you fall in love, you don't get over that person easily or anything. It's like thinin of them talkin or hangin out with someone else hurts like hell.Yeah you may not be with him anymore, but that doesn't mean that the feelings are gone. Not knowin how they feel about you or someone else is hard.You know you can't have them for yourself anymore, but that's what you still want and still dream you will have it again. There's a lot of fish in the sea, and we are young so why not explore. But how can you explore when you only have one person on your mind? The thing is when the other person has more than you on their mind it makes you think that they are over you and it seems like so many things have changed. Thursday, June 17, 200412:26AMI don't know if I really wanna wrtie in this or not, but I think I'm going to anyway. It's summer, but it doesn't seem like it. Sleeping a lotis nice, but that's the last thing on my mind. Saturday, May 29, 200412:02AM - :-DIt's crazy how your feelings about one thing can change almost overnight.Yesterday I guess I was goin on somethin with out talkin to the person. So basically I assumed without talking and yeah that's not good. Today I have totally different feelings about the whole thing. It's weird cuz not much happend today, but today was really good. I think it's cuz the last thing that I did tonight was see my baby! So right now everything is doing great. Friends are good the boyfriend is good. There's not much else to write about and I am tired as heck. So I'm off to bed! Good Night! Thursday, May 27, 20048:57PMI can't stand it when there is someone that you don't want to let go of, but you think they want to. It gets to a point where they can't do anything what do you do? Do you cut it off and say screw it, or do you try to get through it together? What do you do when the only place you will be able to talk to them is at school and not outside of it. Do you just call it rough times in the realtionship or say it's over. When you heard that he said to a friend, "I think I'm gonna have to cut it off." It makes matters worse almost and it's like you don't wanna lose them at all. I guess I will just have to talk to him about it and see what he thinks. I think I know what he will say and I won't like it, but that's life. You can't have everything you want. I might just be trippin, but for some reason I don't think I am, I think that tomorrow it will be real. I won't just be thinkin about it in my head. In high school can you have a relationship that is only in school? I want it to work so bad. There were sooo many times before that I was gonna give up and I didn't. I stayed in it, but now I think the tables have turned and I don't wanna give up anymore, but he does. I'm not sayin that's how it is at all, that's just my instinct and those are wrong a lot, so I guess time will tell. I hope the outcome isn't what I think, but if it is I guess I just have to move on. If things don't work out.... that's a different story. I guess we just figure it out, but I want it to be together not just something that says this is my decision and that's final. Who knows, no one, no one ever knows! Saturday, May 22, 20049:53PMMan, it's defenitly been awhile. There hasn't been that much BS until recently, which was kinda suprising cuz Monday, May 3, 200410:07PM - HMMMMM....Hmmmmm.... well first off I just wanna say that school is..well..ummm GAY! Yeah, but on to more important topics. It seems like nowadays it can be sooo hard to hold onto a good friendship. I guess if the friendship is good, then you shouldn't have to hold on cuz there's nothing to worry about. Sometimes it seems like you will drift from someone, then the next day you are close as heck. Yeah it sounds werid, but I've noticed it a lot recently and it's like I'm glad that I know that they are always there, but it seems strang that there's a "drift" period. I wonder if it's just me, if it is really happening, or if something went wrong. Lots of times I just assume the worst when there is nothing wrong and someone is just having a bad day. Assuming the worst is always bad and it stresses people out, but it seems like soo many people do it. WHY?!?! I'm not too sure, but it happens all the time. It seems like it could be helped, but how. I guess no one knows. This seems kinda random and everything, but it's one of those on your mind things, ya know? I would write more, but at this moment I can't Saturday, May 1, 200411:29PMDo you ever think about how the world would be if everyone only loved one person. When you found the person you were meant to be with that person you loved there would be some kind of sign whether it was written out or just in the air. Yeah, it sounds weird, but it just came to me. Thursday, April 29, 20049:51PMI just learned a valuable lesson just a little bit ago. That would be that no matter how mean a person is to you and how rude they are to you always let them have the time of day to try to explain themselves. There is a good person in everyone, just sometimes it takes people longer for that to come up. No matter what always let someone explain themselves, cuz chances are they are nice people. 4:33PMWow (lol), there hasn't been much goin on lately. Well actually there has, but I'm not gonna start stressin about it so it's no biggie. The past week or so has been really good. There hasn't been a lot to get me down, I guess I can say. But all I gotta say is that I hope people mean what they say when they say stuff. Like if they say somethin I don't want them lyin about it, cuz it's stupid, just "Mean what you say and say what you mean!" I've found that there are so many people out there that actually care and that you can actually trust. Sometimes they have been there all the time, but you just didn't realize it. Sunday, April 25, 200410:26AMHow many chances should one person get? They are supposed to be your best friend, but when you tell them something and say don't tell anyone and they say they won't and they do. What the hell is that? How many times do you get betrayed like that? I tell her EVERYTHING, she knows soo much about me and the things I do, but now do I have to stop. Can I not tell her anything anymore? The things aren't a big deal, but when I don't want people knowing who can I tell and it's the whole principle of the matter. Yeah, I have brothers and stuff so I guess I'm just gonna have to stick with them. It hurts to know that your "best friend" has betrayed you time and time again. You want to teach them a lesson, but when people tell me stuff I don't go blab it there is no point. So I guess they will have to learn from someone else and hoprfully they do. I dunno, it's just trust is a big deal in any relationsip and when it's lost or broken or betrayed, so you just drift from the person or what? Cuz when you quit telling people something they get the drift and then you guys start to go in seperate directions and I really don't want that to happen. It's somethin to think about and it's kinda hard, but that's what I gotta do. I could talk to her about it and I have in the past and she DENIEDS it! That pisses me off, so I know I can't talk to her about it, so that makes it even harder. I dunno it's sooo just retarded. I dunno, but I think that's all for right now there's not much else goin on. Saturday, April 24, 20045:09PM - WOW!This past week has been kinda crazy. It's weird how stuff works out or how stuff happens or why it even happens. There is a lot going on that's not explainable so I don't think I can even write about it. I'm gonna be there for all of my friends through thick and thin whether I have talked to them in a month or not it doesn't matter. Friends are supposed to be there for each other no matter what and I think that's how it should be. Tuesday, April 20, 20048:57PM - Sometimes....We are back in school now, but that's not always too good. At least you are around friends and get to see people. Things were goin great, but now it's almost like everything is different, maybe not everything, but somethings. I just have to say friends are AMAZING!! I dunno, I can't explain it cuz it's weird. Like some people are kinda actin a little different and in a way it's scaring me, but I'm sure I probly don't need to stress about it. I just need to go talk to them. I think it's about that time for me to sit down and think about everything, cuz there are so many things that are kind of...umm... confusing I guess. Yeah and none of it is anything that I reall wanna talk about or anything. It's confusing I guess you could say. Yeah there's not much else that needs to be said, so I'll catch ya lata! Thursday, April 15, 20044:58PM - HAPPY!Today was a beautiful day in Missouri! Not much has happend lately! Susan made a crown out of dandelions today! LOL! She's awesome. Anyways I didn't know being away from people back home would be so hard. I dunno it's kinda tough not seeing people and not knowing what exactly is going on. Yeah I know I don't have anything to worry about, but still not knowing is hard, but I will be home tomorrow evening! Missouri has been sooo much fun though, I mean who would've thought that you could still have fun at the Zoo!! Not me, but Suzie and I had a BLAST! Tuesday, April 13, 200412:41AMWell, Spring Break has been goin really well. I miss everyone back home. I'm glad I got away from Flint and hopefully things will get better. There are a few things that have hapend in the past week that could bring me down or whatever, but I'm not gonna trip over them. Yeah, I worry WAY too much sometimes and all it does is stress me out and there's no point in stressin, cuz it really gets you no where. I always say I don't care what people think, cuz I really don't people can call me a bitch, slut, whore, backstabber, whatever, but I guess that as long as I know I'm not it's all good. Cuz the chances of you changing someone's opinion about you are slim, i mean it's always good to try, but it won't always work. Saturday, April 10, 20046:35PM - ThoughtsWell I'm finally got to Missouri! ON the way it was cool because I got a lot of thinking done. I realized a lot about myself that I didn't before. That is all thanks to Usher, because it was while I was listing to him that I realized all this stuff. First off I realized that in relationships I tend to hold back because I'm scared of getting hurt and it's sooo selfish of me, so now I can try and put more into relationships, becaue I know what the problem is. Also that I need to speak my mind more because I hold back feelings and don't tell people how I really feel sometimes. I really don't know why I don't speak my mind I guess it's because I don't know what people will say to what I have to say. But now who cares, who cares what people think of you, cuz everyone will have their own opinion of you and sometimes you can't change that, but as long as you know who you are I guess it's all good. I'm really scared of losin someone that I care about sooo much right now. Yeah people have stuff to say about us being together, but I know that won't split us apart. I guess not seeing him for a week I get scared about it. Even thinkin of losin him makes me cry, but I'm scared to lay all my feelings about it on the table. I will soon, just gove me time and if you wanna talk about it let me know. Right now I'm with my family and best friend (soon to be sister-in-law) so I'm gonna go and enjoy their company. Thursday, April 8, 20045:26PM - Spring Break!YAY! Spring Break has officially started! I'm gonna be on my way to Missouri with my girl Suzie. This week was short but seemed like it lasted for ever! It was so awesome because today I saw all my friends that had gone on the band trip. It was nice cuz I missed them all. Things have been going pretty well lately, there are a few things that could ruin my mood, but I don't let them bother me anymore. Wow, this is really short, but I gotta be on my way. I'll miss all of you!!!! Love Ya! Tuesday, April 6, 20047:53PMHmmm, well today wasn't the best, but oh well. The thing is I can't believe how many rumors get around our school in one day. It kinda gets confusing after you try and think about it and figure out who is tellin the truth so i say screw it. I still don't understand what the point in making stuff up and lying about things is. I'm not sayin I've NEVER lied or anything, but I dunno. Some of my friends are beginning to confuse me again, cuz it seems like they are mad one minute then fine the next and it's kinda weird. It just seems like if they were mad at me or somethin they would say somethin to me, but I can also say somethin to them to I guess it just depends on what happens first. I just hope things go well over Spring Break, because it seems like whenever I leave home something bad happens here and I come back to this huge mess. It seems like things have been going pretty well, so hopefully Spring Break will too. Two more days and I am outta Flint!! I just have to worry about school until then and that's fun!! Not! One more thing to worry about my brother.... Navigate: (Previous 20 entries) |
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